'Nowledge Nosh (Unpublished 1981)

 Selected excerpts from the controversial advertising brochure and descriptive catalog for ‘NOWLEDGE NOSH, New York City’s most exciting continuing education program, which was mysteriously inserted into several hundred thousand copies of a recent edition of the Sunday New York Times….

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A MESSAGE FROM OUR LEADER — AND AN INVITATION….

Greetings! ‘NOWLEDGE NOSH, Gotham’s renowned “delicatessen of the mind,” is pleased to unveil our newest chalkboard of snappy self-improvement sessions, cozy career cabalas, and other delicious home-cooked cerebral snacks for the truly adventurous — and ambitious — late night “‘Nowledge Nosher.”

Perhaps you’ve read about us before. Founded last winter in a smoky little Montenegro cockloft with little more than a secondhand addressograph, a deeply felt concern for the life of the mind, and a brain pan full of whipped cream and ballyhoo, NOWLEDGE NOSH has already souffléd its way into the Living, Learning, and Mindstyle pages of some of New York’s most ‘nowledgeable newspapers.

“Freaky! Wow!” exclaimed Suzy Syzgy, the normally subdued ontology critic of the Times, after spending a heady week sampling a few of the mind-altering “fact snacks” tossed up every night in dimly-lit domiciles across the city by our highly-acclaimed “faculty at large,” many of whom boast advanced training in Psychopharmacology, Telenecrometry, and other nocturnal subjects.

But Suzy wasn’t the only egghead to be scrambled.

“Man alive! ‘NOWLEDGE NOSH has the right stuff!” said Fritz Throckbottom, the dashing syntax specialist of the News, in his widely-discussed column “On the Fritz,” after auditing last year’s popular interdisciplinary seminar on “Language, Investment, and Nuclear Waste.”

“This place really ticks!” Throckbottom inveighed, shortly before his celebrated meltdown.

But don’t take their word for it — come on down and imbibe the nutritious vibes of our cacophonous kitchen of continuing education for yourself. It won’t take long for you to see that ‘NOWLEDGE NOSH has everything the urban untermenschen and hip hausfrau need to know to get by and get high in the Big Bouillabaise!

Now, here’s a sneak peek at next month’s alphabet soup of quickie courses.

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From our Home Economics Department:

ABSINTHE, ANYONE?

If you’re nervous about the things you’re generally nervous about — or if you and your family simply like to drink — there’s nothing more effective for slowing down the fast-paced whirligig of life (and generally halting the metabolic process altogether) than a tall, frosted glass of French absinthe. Once the sovereign potion of the Parisian drop-dead crowd, long a snacktime favorite with baggage handlers at Kennedy and Logan International Airports, this hearty, technically illicit Continental import has lately been popping up in the postmortems of some of the most fashionable New Yorkers.

Now, here’s your chance to join them!

-What are the best years for fine French absinthe?
-Where can I obtain absinthe?
-How can I safely incorporate absinthe into my children’s diet?

These are just a sampling of the matters we’ll be muttering about in this wistful waterfront workshop.

Absinthe: it isn’t just for breakfast anymore.

Fugitive author and dockside personality Micky Lautrec, known to millions of bedside ‘Nowledge Noshers’ and cable television viewers as the playful host of “The Galloping Green Gourmet,” first introduced absinthe to the New York scene when he poured a magnum of the devilish green liqueur into the punch bowl at the New York Audubon Society’s Arbor Day affair. Naturally, the party was a smash, and Micky has been cheesing it ever since. Lautrec is a graduate of the Cornell School of Hotel Administration, as well as a Wandering Fellow of the Montparnasse-based Wormwood Foundation.

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From our One Is A Lonely Number Department:

DATING AFTER DEATH

Are you unmarried? Widowed? Divorced? Being a single person can be difficult enough when you’re alive, but what happens after the lights go out — for good? Is there dating after death? How does one meet like-minded angels and poltergeists? In short, what’s the scene like upstairs — or whichever way you’re headed?

Now, thanks to the latest advances in telenecrometry, you’ll find out the answers to all these questions and more when you register for our seminar in DATING AFTER DEATH.

You’ll interface with single scene experts from “the other side” like Sophie Schnitzel, founder and chief switchboard operator of “Schnitzel,” the computer dating service for ex-singles who are still-single (“Boy, have I got a schnitzel for you!”) and Horst Borscht, the famed Borealis Belt hotelier.

You’ll even “visit” a real afterlife, after hours bar.

Bring a friend!

Chester Cheshire is the president of D.O.A. Tours, Inc. and author of the best-selling travel guide, “A Hell of a Way To Go.”

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From our Getting Ahead Department:

FEIGNING INTEREST, or: How To Suffer Fools Gladly

Winston Churchill once confided to a loose-lipped associate that whenever he found himself in the midst of a particularly tiresome Cabinet meeting or tea party, he would simply turn off his hearing aid and wear a suitably absorbed expression for the remainder of the proceedings. Such were the British leader’s dramaturgical abilities that his lack of interest was rarely detected.

To be sure, many equally overtaxed men of affairs have no difficulty turning themselves off when their boredom threshold has been breached — whether or not they are, in fact, hard of hearing. However, because of their lack of schooling in the diplomatic arts, their short span of attention invariable leads them into all sorts of difficulties with the twits and popinjays who populate their lives.

That is why we at ‘NOWLEDGE NOSH have decided to offer a paraprofessional course of instruction in the refined art of FEIGNING INTEREST.

Using rare wartime footage of such famous feigners as Churchill, Stalin, and Dick Cavett, followed by prolonged confinement with surrogate twits and café society types kindly referred to us by Fran Lebowitz and the Plaza Hotel, you and your fellow apprentices will gradually acquire a wide range of fraudulent facial expressions, politely convincing conversational phrases, and interjections to be employed during similar encounters on the job, at parties, and in bed. E.g.: “Really!”

Get the picture?

Lady Sybil Snifflecliff needs little further introduction.

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From our Body Bar:

GO-THA-BEAT-ARMY!!! or: Applied Calisthenics

Out of sync? Out of shape? Out of sight?

If you answered yes to four or more of the above questions, then it’s probably time for you to enter the bracing, anti-gravitational force field of GO-THAI-BEAT-ARMY.

Accidentally discovered by an unemployed Pekingese physical therapist as he was returning from an all night “soybean trip” during the controversial Tang Dynasty (Apr. — Jan. 1484) and later codified for general use by the noted Laotian springbok trainer Tse-Tse Ginsberg, this long-suppressed calisthenic art involves a highly complicated series of anaerobic exercises and VTOL maneuvers, which, when properly executed, can result in spontaneous combustion and significant weight loss, as well as rapid martyrdom.

The full ramifications of GO-THAI-BEAT-ARMY were last demonstrated in this country during the genocidal 1932 football game between the U.S. Military Academy and the University of Thailand, when the U. of T.’s exceptionally acrobatic cheerleading team, the immortal “Thai Sticks,” succeeded in leaving the ground en masse in the ancient prescribed form in a valiant attempt to halt the bloodshed taking place below, before shooting heavenwards with a final, blood-curdling cheer of “GO-THAI-BEAT-ARMY” — leaving behind only their pom poms, not to mention the generic name for an exciting new form of Oriental flimflam.

The rest is isothermic history.

Dee-Dee Tsu-Nami, a second generation Thai Stick, is the fleet-limbed daughter of Salaam E. Tsu-Nami, the famed Southeast Asian calisthenics instructor and self-styled “human missile.” Recently retired from her coaching duties with the Dallas Cowgirls, Dee Dee now keeps busy running a small, if well-regarded whirling dervish outlet on the Upper East Side.

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ATTENTION: TEACHERS WANTED!

Do you think you have what it takes to be a ‘NOWLEDGE NOSH instructor? All you need is a large, dimly-lit space capable of accommodating a swarm of recumbent ‘Nowledge Noshers, a few pillows, a certificate of graduation from a recognized correctional institute, a willingness to “go with the flow,” and a good set of wheels. If you think you can meet these qualifications, give us a ring. We’ll put a contract on you right away!

New instructors are currently needed to teach the following courses: DRESSING UP YOUR DOPPELGÄNGER / THE PUDDINGS OF EL SALVADOR / HOW TO BE A SUCCESSFUL LAUGHINGSTOCK IN YOUR SPARE TIME / BUYING A BAZOOKA / FLINCHING/ MARKETING YOURSELF AS A HUMAN APPLIANCE / NUCLEAR WASTE AS AN INVESTMENT / ROACH TRICKS / SUBLETTING YOUR SUPEREGO / ACQUIRING A LIMP / and THREE CARD MONTE….